galit ako sa araw.

galit ako sa'yo.

my mood is brittle. i sometimes wake up angry without any reason at all. syempre deep down i know i have problems, i have things i have to tackle that were probably previously brushed off and so now, they are piling up. resulting to me having such whirlwind of emotions all the time. tho di ko alam kung good enough reason na ba ‘yon para magalit sa araw? ano bang ginawa ni araw? ano bang ginawa mo?

i talked about this to a friend—someone i try really really hard to open up to, araw. araw is someone who needs clarity, wala siyang pakialam kung ga’no ka-grave yung problema mo, even if in your stories you come off as someone at fault, she would tell you off but never leave you. all she will ever care about really was being truthful.

i’m calculating, i’m scared of sharing even a small part of myself or the thoughts i deemed evil. when i meet people i have to give a disclaimer before letting them know what color i like. “masama akong tao, pero sinusubukan kong hindi makasakit.” i tend to say this to anyone i start to find interesting. i believe in it. i know i have thoughts, i know i have attitude, alam kong isa ko sa mga taong ‘di mo kakaibiganin kung may kasama pa tayong sampung tao sa loob ng iisang kwarto. di ako mabuting tao, pero sinusubukan kong hindi gumawa ng masama. that is bare minimum.

today, july 6th, 2026—nagising akong galit sa araw, galit sa mundo, galit sa hangin, galit sa pamilya ko, at galit sa’yo.

the first time i became aware of hate, it was with you, araw. nakita ko nalang ang sarili kong parang ewan na naga-aggressive text at naf-frustrate sa hangin just because i was talking to you. in my head it felt like all my words were not being hugged by you. like all the emotions i was relaying were being thrown at a dumpster, by you. pakiramdam ko hindi mo ko naiintindihan, na wala kang pakialam, at na ayaw mo sa’kin. for a month straight it became a habit to be angry at you araw.

galit ako sa’yo araw, i hated being with you, ayokong kausap ka, naiirita ko na nasa buhay kita at gusto ko na layuan mo ko.

pero ‘di ko magawang hindi ka yakapin, kailangan ka ng kaluluwa ko. without you it was as if i won’t be able to breathe. because you’re my friend, you’re the extension of me.

—you’re the extension of me.

the extension of me.

me.

hindi.

i wasn’t frustrated because i hated you, it was because i was simply talking. i was the one not embracing my words, ako yung nagtatapon sa basurahan ng sarili kong emosyon. ako yung hindi umiintindi sa sarili ko, i did not give a second fuck about myself. point blank, ayoko sa sarili ko. naiirita ko na buhay ako.

but i can’t live without me,

and so it was a cycle.

when days like this come, i often find myself in isolation. alam ko agad na makakasakit ako, alam ko agad na masasaktan ako. ‘di ko maintindihan na kung bakit sa lahat pa ng tao, sa’kin binigay ‘tong temperament na ’toh. sa tao pang walang kahit anong kabutihan sa katawan.

i know isolation was a bad solution, but it was my only solution—yet. hangga’t ‘di ako nakakahanap ng tamang outlet for my anger, o kung pa’no is-soothe yung sarili ko tuwing galit ako sa araw, i’ve decided to be alone. even if it takes a month or two, i am willing to be alone.

kasi ayokong kamuhian kita araw.